Nocturnal Emission

The one bad thing about watching so much playoff hockey is that we have seen the same handful of commercials roughly 450 times each. If I see those mangy kids say, "Nice save, Mom!" after she gets an Enterprise Rent-A-Car I may punch one of my nuts off. The only time we get relief is if we DVR the game and skip over this bs or if we sit at the Tavern and watch the games without sound. Actually watching the games without sound doesn't help much when the annoying banter is already burned into your head and Bressler sits next to you and sings the jingle from the Dockers San Francisco commercial.



Since we can't escape it we might as well have an open and honest discussion about what good and bad as far as some selected ads on the NHL on Versus.





Good: The Dockers San Francisco commercial
I like it because of the song. It's a nice little ditty to play when traveling around with a guy who wears different pants and is basically living a white guy's fantasy life. He's going to his great job and flying a kite with a kid who sneaky looks like me, then he's on the rooftop with some ridiculous looking chick and the next day he playing golf at some course that overlooks the Golden Gate Bridge. I wonder why they didn't have him drinking coffee with his pals at the local Starbucks? Why not show him making some power gesture in a boardroom? That's what us white folk do, Dockers!

Random thought:

How far away is that guy putting from? He takes a 3/4 swing on the green like he's 140 yards out.





Bad: The KFC Snackers commercial

Oh this one kills me. Watch this commercial and keep your eye on the blond girl. She is so smug and happy that she is eating a $1 Snacker. I want to kick her in the shins for overacting. I actually don't really know why I hate this commercial but it bothers me to no end. Maybe it because I secretly want to live at this cool apt. complex and talk to my smooth black friend and attractive blond friend while they sit on the stairs and eat chicken and crack wise. Shouldn't this guy have a hip Asian friend with spiky hair and a track jacket hanging around? That is the way ad execs see mid 20 Americans. And don't tell me you need 2 hands to eat one of those. They're tiny!

Random thought:

Watch the way the blond shows off her xtra cheesy Snacker. She so fucking proud of that sandwich. Extra cheesy. I hope she gets bitten by a mummy.







Good: The Dodge commercial where they fold out a big slip n slide

Slip and slides = Awesome times. I hope my sister SNemmy chimes in the comments about our backyard where we grew up. To run on our slide we had to start on these patio tiles before we got to the grass. So weak. The next commercial for Dodge should be after they give us a minivan and let the 2Man travel all over North America for our show. We can see how much Budweiser we can keep in those sneaky under-the-seat coolers. Then we can show Stu Barnes doing donuts in Andy Van Hellemond's front yard.

Random thought:

I don't think they put down a mat underneath the tarp. You can't slide down the road on just the tarp! Even if you grab that huge inflatable gorilla you'll still burn your tits off.







The Bad: The Dodge commercial with the U.S. women's soccer team

Women's soccer? Why couldn't they make the commercial about the U.S. Men's World Junior team going up to Canada for a rematch? That would have pumped me up. Vamos La!

Random thought:

1) It burns me that when they are reviewing the last U.S. vs. Brazil game on the overhead dvd player some lady is in the back laughing and not paying attention. Get focused!

2) Every time I see the two minivans role through the streets of South America somewhere I keep thinking they are going to get ambushed by some rebels with rpgs like in Clear and Present Danger.







The Good: The Edge commercial with the ladies who skyrocket into my nose
Hot chicks dancing in foam? Girls with aloe guns? Get Some!

Random thought:

I haven't done a deep dive here because I can take my eyes away from the girls dancing with the foam backpacks or the cleavage on the main rocket girl. I'm retarded.



The Bad: The Honda lawnmower
Can't we do better than this? I'm kinda impressed by the way the mower cuts the grass twice and bags it for me but this shouldn't be on during a prime time hockey game. Put anything on instead. Show the commercial with the badass Marines or the sailors on the deck of an aircraft carrier.

Random thought:

Not to dwell on the Edge commercial but after watching the commercial again I think the jetpack ladies were all the same lady. You may have fooled me with Full House, Hollywood, but you won't get me again! I'm probably wrong.



BTW I had a dream last night that I was called up to play for the Calgary Flames because Ronnie Stern and Tim Hunter got into a fight in practice and their eyes were swollen shut. It was one of those recurring dreams where no matter how hard I try I cannot get onto the ice on time. Something always happens where I am delayed like I break a lace or can find a shin pad. I keep hearing the buzzers and crowd noises from inside the locker room but I can put my stuff on to get out there. If anyone has a minor in psyche please analyze this dream for me.



The Bad: Mike's Hard Lemonade

I don't know who drinks hard lemonade. I'm trying to picture the demographic and I'm drawing a blank. I know people who enjoy a Magner's or Bulmer's cider but I've never seen a Mike's Hard Lemonade in person. Anyways, this commercial tries to make hard lemonade seem tough because they pick on a guy who likes soy milk or something. Our buddy, B.T. Gilmer would call this one "toothless".

Random thought:

I can't wait until we do a 2Man "Cribs" episode at Simon Gagne's house and he has a case and half of of this shit in his fridge. It's gonna happen.



The Good: Some promo for an upcoming fight between a long-haired guy and Jens Pulver
Two guys punching each other and a shot of a bearded Pulver flipping a monster truck tire = Sure. I'm not sure if it will live up to it's billing as the best best featherweight fight in history because that honor goes to Mr. W vs. Brad McGann in the fountain in Washington Square Park.

Random thought:

I really like the mixed martial arts stuff. I can't watch the garbage ones like the shit on UPN where two out of shape idiots throw Reggie Miller haymakers and hug it out for 2 rounds but the UFC is cool. If I wanted to watch two fat guys get into a sloppy fight I would saddle up to Burns Bar in Stamford and put 5 bucks I the jukebox.



I know I am missing some big commercials here and I can't be the only one who is ruined by this garbage during hockey. Bress should have the recap of last night's game up in the morning so I'll save my thoughts for the comment section but I'll just say this:



My new hero is Mike Richards.



-Nemmy

Reference: http://the2manadvantage.blogspot.com/2008/05/nocturnal-emission_16.html